Not quite sure if this is fair or not

I'm failing miserably at sleep tonight. I keep fighting between peace and knowing God's will will be done, I just have to let go and lift it up in prayer, and the fact that I have all of these thoughts in my head I THINK I need to tell you about I FEEL I need to let you in on and share. I'm fighting with the fear of losing my husband, my soulmate, my best friend and the realization that if I act on those fears and hang on for dear life I will just push you away further. I know I need to exercise patience right now, and self-control. I need to understand you are hurting and scared and let you heal in your own space and time. I need to be selfless and remember my feelings are not the only ones in this situation, my thoughts are not the only ones keeping the sandman away. In order to focus on being a better me, a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better person of society I started a Bible study called She Reads Truth. A first I thought I was going in so I could learn the ins and outs of the Bible, but tonight I realized on top of that I will see myself and learn who Christ has called me to be. It truly is amazing to see how one thing can lead to another right as you need it. I wasn't going to read the passage tonight, I was going to leave it for tomorrow, but I realized tomorrow would be busy so I would probably put it off again. I wasn't sleeping anyways I might as well read it. I kind of skimmed through the beginning, and realized I was already on autopilot! I started over with fresh eyes and an open heart and I saw exactly what I needed to see, the passage read "Then you will call on me and come to me and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart." That is exactly what I have experienced in this last week. And it took this to realize I put so much outside blame and excuse on why I walked away from God and the Church. That isn't even close to fair though. Feeling insecure and unworthy was inside me, nobody else. The hate that burrowed in my heart and in my spirit were mine to bare, nobody elses. I looked for quick fixes, and they never even came close. I had to fall so hard that there was nowhere but up left to go. Now I'm taking the bricks that I used to create walls of anger, hate, jealousy, sadness, insecurities and i'm building a bridge to an open heart. I've decided to take this path by really focusing on the fruits of the spirit. LOVE...love gives freely without expecting anything back...the love I want to give is this. am i motivated to love those around me without worrying about what they think of me? am i willing to let go of the insecurities long enough to see the beauty in those around me without judgement? I am choosing to focus on these statements daily, to reevaluate what kind of love i hold in my heart and give to others. JOY...being glad in general, separate from the good and bad situations around you...This is so much easier to see now. Now that I have let go of so much pain and anger, I feel free to be joyful. I smile more, I stop and sit outside, I laugh, and I sing. I have a happy heart. But will it last, will something come and knock me down and take over the joyful space? will I be able to overcome the feelings that are sure to come in the weeks, months, and years to come? I cannot expect change without taking the steps to make it happen. In this case, I know I am going to have to nurture my spirit and pray for this joy to continue to grow and to work on it, take out the weeds so it can bloom fully. Peace...tranquility always, especially in turmoil...This is the best thing I have felt in ages. The air I breathe feels like it reaches my lungs now. My thoughts seem more mellow, not in an "I don't even care what happens" kind of way, but in an "I know it's all going to work out the way it is meant to" kind of way. Patience...the ability to endure wrong doing without lashing out...the hardest thing for me in this is not lashing out in my thoughts. I am creating habits everyday, and for now the habit that I want to work on most is taking control over my thoughts, not letting my thoughts control me and my actions. My heart starts to darken when something happens and I feel attacked, I may not jump out and scream every time, but I do in my head. I need to begin to use the peace I have gained to help me when it comes to patience.