Good Morning!

Day 2 of good habit making!!!! Yesterday I wrote in the morning instead of at night and it seemed to correct my day, guide it to a better path. So, I will do the same today :) I am in the process of factory resetting my phone and I realized it kinda feels like I am doing that with my life right now. I went though and backed up my pictures and files that I needed, which took all night! If it hadn't been plugged in it would've most definitely died. I feel like I got a virus and needed to take the good and save it, and trash the bad and negative that was within me. I plugged in with prayer and self recognition and now I'm resetting. It's not quite as easy in real life though, there is a better chance of relapse here...but hopefully with my new habits I will overcome the difficult, frustrating times. Really exciting side note! I have an interview Sunday morning to work with a fundraising company. It's a start up, so it really could go either way but the idea behind it is awesome! It's basically groupon for fundraising! With the right marketing, it really could go national. The position starts out as an internship and grows to a permanent full time position. There are two that I am qualified and excited for...first is marketing so getting the news out there to the people, through social media and all that good stuff. The one I really want though is Brand Manager! building relationships with the companies that will sell product on the site. I'm really getting my hopes up for this opportunity, but I really want it. I prayed for a door to open and I am definitely selfishly hoping this is the door! I could already get a client base going! It's super exciting to be interviewing again either way though.

habits

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to turn an action into a habit. I took the last couple days off of writing and focusing on myself. That was a mistake. The peace in my heart started to be taken over by anger and frustration yesterday and today. It doesn't let me communicate effectively when that happens, it clouds my judgement a lot. "For you I wait all the long day, because of your goodness, Lord." I read this last night and realized I need to stop waiting for other people to make my decisions, to create peace in me, to make their own decisions so I can base mine on their lives. I have to wait for the Lord to show me the way, the path to take. That doesn't mean sit around and do nothing! That means work on changing my heart, work on my habits, and wait and listen to what He has to say and look for the doors He will open. So to keep the peace, to keep the joy, to keep the love in my heart I am starting a 3 week challenge. To read my She Read Truth devotional daily, to pray daily, to write here in this space daily. Thinking about it I freak out a little because I am already thinking about the days I will slip up, but if I take this one day at a time I will do it!

Breathe

I've woken up super stressed and freaking out the last two days. Am I making the right decisions? Should I be pushing to move down the hill? should I stay up the hill? Should I turn down a job if it isn't the right fit? Then I stop, I realize I cannot make every decision right now. I have to take this one day at a time or I will drive my self insane! Yesterday I chose happiness and peace, and I got it. Today I will do the same. A nice walk on the treadmill, lots of water, and strangely enough more coffee is how my day went differently. I didn't stop to read my bible either night so I believe that has a lot to do with not falling asleep at peace. I have to remember to create these habits in myself. Philippians 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think." I've never read this version of this verse. It's definitely the most appropriate time for me to see it though. I love "And this peace will control the way you think." It's amazing how much peace has allowed this to happen in my life right now. Not carrying around anger opens up an entire new world. It won't be there constantly, I have to remember to pray for it "with thankful hearts". This peace, this lifestyle, this happiness and joy are all about choices. Choices of thoughts and choices of actions. I can only focus on one day at a time so I don't overload myself. I want to make a list of a month plan, a three month plan, a six month plan, but where is that going to get me? It's just going to create worry and doubt, then anger and frustration. So instead I will choose to put that list aside and focus on today, tomorrow will be here soon enough and I will focus on it then.

Creating habits

If I want to change my life I need to change my habits and I need to take responsibility for my own happiness. Right now my heart is sad and I just want to curl up into a ball. Im feeling hurt and scared. Worried if im making the right choices, if I'm making it too easy for you to walk away from this marriage. But that is not changing anything, that is falling back into my old ways. Instead I will choose to breathe. I will choose to pray. I will choose to trust. I will choose to have faith. Starting to put these into practice will create a habit in me. It isn't an easy task, but I can do it. I don't need anyone else approval, I just need to focus on my thought choices...push aside the negative hurtful thoughts and push forward the positive thoughts.

Not quite sure if this is fair or not

I'm failing miserably at sleep tonight. I keep fighting between peace and knowing God's will will be done, I just have to let go and lift it up in prayer, and the fact that I have all of these thoughts in my head I THINK I need to tell you about I FEEL I need to let you in on and share. I'm fighting with the fear of losing my husband, my soulmate, my best friend and the realization that if I act on those fears and hang on for dear life I will just push you away further. I know I need to exercise patience right now, and self-control. I need to understand you are hurting and scared and let you heal in your own space and time. I need to be selfless and remember my feelings are not the only ones in this situation, my thoughts are not the only ones keeping the sandman away. In order to focus on being a better me, a better Christian, a better wife, a better mother, a better person of society I started a Bible study called She Reads Truth. A first I thought I was going in so I could learn the ins and outs of the Bible, but tonight I realized on top of that I will see myself and learn who Christ has called me to be. It truly is amazing to see how one thing can lead to another right as you need it. I wasn't going to read the passage tonight, I was going to leave it for tomorrow, but I realized tomorrow would be busy so I would probably put it off again. I wasn't sleeping anyways I might as well read it. I kind of skimmed through the beginning, and realized I was already on autopilot! I started over with fresh eyes and an open heart and I saw exactly what I needed to see, the passage read "Then you will call on me and come to me and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all of your heart." That is exactly what I have experienced in this last week. And it took this to realize I put so much outside blame and excuse on why I walked away from God and the Church. That isn't even close to fair though. Feeling insecure and unworthy was inside me, nobody else. The hate that burrowed in my heart and in my spirit were mine to bare, nobody elses. I looked for quick fixes, and they never even came close. I had to fall so hard that there was nowhere but up left to go. Now I'm taking the bricks that I used to create walls of anger, hate, jealousy, sadness, insecurities and i'm building a bridge to an open heart. I've decided to take this path by really focusing on the fruits of the spirit. LOVE...love gives freely without expecting anything back...the love I want to give is this. am i motivated to love those around me without worrying about what they think of me? am i willing to let go of the insecurities long enough to see the beauty in those around me without judgement? I am choosing to focus on these statements daily, to reevaluate what kind of love i hold in my heart and give to others. JOY...being glad in general, separate from the good and bad situations around you...This is so much easier to see now. Now that I have let go of so much pain and anger, I feel free to be joyful. I smile more, I stop and sit outside, I laugh, and I sing. I have a happy heart. But will it last, will something come and knock me down and take over the joyful space? will I be able to overcome the feelings that are sure to come in the weeks, months, and years to come? I cannot expect change without taking the steps to make it happen. In this case, I know I am going to have to nurture my spirit and pray for this joy to continue to grow and to work on it, take out the weeds so it can bloom fully. Peace...tranquility always, especially in turmoil...This is the best thing I have felt in ages. The air I breathe feels like it reaches my lungs now. My thoughts seem more mellow, not in an "I don't even care what happens" kind of way, but in an "I know it's all going to work out the way it is meant to" kind of way. Patience...the ability to endure wrong doing without lashing out...the hardest thing for me in this is not lashing out in my thoughts. I am creating habits everyday, and for now the habit that I want to work on most is taking control over my thoughts, not letting my thoughts control me and my actions. My heart starts to darken when something happens and I feel attacked, I may not jump out and scream every time, but I do in my head. I need to begin to use the peace I have gained to help me when it comes to patience.